Catfights in Middle Earth
by Cornflower1999
Summary: Arwen and Éowyn are accidentally locked in a dungeon cell together.


_If you're wondering what Théoden is still doing here, in my little fanfiction universe_ _he's still alive. I liked him, I didn't want him to die._

Chapter One:

It was the day of King Théoden's birthday feast. All the members of the Fellowship of the Ring were there, and Faramir was there too. Aragorn had brought Arwen.

Éomer, his sister Éowyn, and the Hobbits Frodo, Sam, and Pippin sat at a table all talking together. Merry came to join them, struggling to carry a plate bigger than him piled high with food to satisfy his Hobbit's appetite. Just as he was about to dig in, he stopped and felt around in his pockets. "Oh no, my pipe," he said "I think I left it in the dungeons when you were giving us a tour of Meduseld, Éomer."

"It's alright, Merry, I'll get it for you since I'm not eating yet." Éowyn offered, getting up.

Éowyn made her way down to the dungeons. Soon, she spotted Merry's pipe in one of the cells. Being careful not to close the cell door as to not lock herself in, she entered and got the pipe. As she did so, to her horror she heard the door slam shut. She turned around. Arwen was there inside the cell.

The bitch had shut the fugging door.

"You!" cried Éowyn "You married my crush!"

" _You_ flirted with MY husband!"

Four seconds of silence. "I- I had no inkling you and he- my Aragorn- were betrothed." Éowyn stammered.

"YOUR ARAGORN?! Why you r#$%F# ! I'm telling FARAMIR!" Arwen lunged toward her enemy. Éowyn did a blood-curdling cry. "Don't make me take out my _uñas_!" She stepped back and the Evenstar completely missed her and ended up on the ground, flat on her face. "OWWW! You little- !" Arwen's face was red as a tomato from her fall as she got up. "Watch it, Elf girl, I have a sword. And if you tell Faramir, _I'll_ tell Aragorn I caught you making cow eyes at the guard at the front door!" Éowyn snapped sassily. Now Arwen's face turned even redder because this was true. She really had been making cow eyes at the guard. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh, yes I would!"

Arwen lunged at the shieldmaiden once again. "AAARGH!" Once again, Éowyn stepped back and Arwen landed on the floor a second time.

…

Up in the Great Hall, Merry still sat with his friends, munching away. He took a swallow of mead and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Hey, where is Lady Éowyn?" he asked suddenly "She must've left twenty minutes ago already. She should've been back by now."

"Eh, don't worry about her. My sister always takes forever at everything." Éomer waved a hand carelessly, helping himself to more mead from a passing serving maid. "Alright, if you say so…" Merry was not convinced. At that moment, Aragorn, came over. "Has anybody seen Arwen? I haven't seen her for at least fifteen minutes."

Faramir, who was nearby, joined them. "I've been wondering the same about Éowyn." he said. Merry climbed up onto the table, stood as tall as his little body could stand, and took a good look around the room. "No… I don't see any of them anywhere."

...

"Well, what were you doing down here in the first place?!"

"None of your business!"

"Of course it is! _I_ live here!"

"Oh, go ahead and act like you own the whole place! It's not yours, it's your uncle's!"

"Thu hafast thaet lic swines!"

"Rhaich!"

"Assa!"

"Auta miqula orqu!"

Éowyn was fuming. Her face was beet-red too now, but with rage. She turned around, muttered something to herself in Rohirric, then whizzed back around and snapped "I know what you were doing down here! I'll bet you followed me so you could lock me in a cell but you're so DUMB you locked yourself in too!"

Suddenly, Arwen was dead quiet. Her eyes got round and watery. Her lower lip quivered. Then she burst into tears. Éowyn suddenly felt a pang of shame as she realized she had gone too far. "Arwen, I'm sorry! I went too far this time, please forgive me. This whole thing is just silly. I-I started it. I should've acted like the adult woman I am, and not like some hormonal preteen girl."

"No, it's my fault. And now all my family and friends have gone away to the Undying Lands and I'll never see them again and I'm all alone here and EVERYONE HATES ME! Ada, I should've listened to you!" The new Queen of Gondor wept bitterly.

"There, there now." Éowyn awkwardly patted the back of her enemy, who a minute ago she had been shouting Rohirric curses at . "That's not true. I don't hate you and there are plenty of people here in Middle-Earth who would love to be your friend." (Although of course, she really did hate Arwen. The lucky bitch had the hunkiest man in the world who had friendzoned her and married Arwen instead.)

"There now. Let's just both calm down. Then we can see if we can get out of here." Éowyn said.

The dungeon was cold and dark. Next to her, her weeping catfight opponent continued to snivel. The stone floors were hard, but there was nothing else to sit on. Éowyn sighed. It was going to be a long night.

Uñas- Nails in Spanish. Éowyn thinks this is LA.

Thu hafast thaet lic swines- "You have the body of a swine" in Rohirric (Old English)

Rhaich- Curses in Sindarin

Assa- Donkey, Rohirric

Auta miqula orqu- "Go kiss an Orc", Sindarin


End file.
